A Sade Moment

For some unknown reason I feel like listening to Sade today. I'm listening to "Ordinary Love". Is this really wise? Half way through the song and I'm not trying to hurl myself over a cliff... so I do believe I AM OKAY. :)

I MADE IT THROUGH

I didn't think I would and to be honest, I thought I'd really lose it. God works in the strangest ways. He had given me time to truly prepare. I knew he wouldn't live to be 100, but a part of me just knew he would wake up. I feel okay about it. I've said goodbye.

Anticipation....

I do not want to go to my grandfather's wake. I'm going to b/c I have to. I don't want him to be alone. Realistically I know he's not here, but I have to be there. I'm anticipating the fact that this is real. There is no turning back. A chapter in my life has ended. No more Nana and Grandpa who were always a few steps or a quick sneak through the backdoor away. Growing up I hated living in a two family flat next to my grandparents. I dreamed of living in a big house in the suburbs with my parents, unattached to my grandparents.

Isn't life funny that way? The things you dread as a kid become the things you cherish as an adult. The forced piano lessons, forced trips to Soulards Market with Nana and Grandpa b/c no one else would go, the forced conversation about the importance of saving money, the many sleepless nights listening to the his thumping his piano, playing his favorite song, over and over.

Now, I'd give anything to go back--just once-- to the wampth of my grandmother's smile, the stroke of her hands across my head, the eerily comforting smell of dax grease and freshly pressed hair, the taste of her cornbread dressing or the straight from the jar of her self-prepared preserved ---peach cobler, the smell of my grandfather's freshly stuffed pipe. . . .

(Deep breath)

I don't want to go.

My Grandfather Died This Weekend....

I am okay with it. I had five weeks to really let it sink in. He'd been in a coma. How many people can say that they lived to be 91. Better yet, how many people can say they lived by themselves sick-free until they were 90. Not a whole lot. He's with Nana, and they're probably smiling down on us now.

Good bye and thank you for being the best grandfather a girl could want.

Thanks for the many stories of "the way it was."
Thanks for the many unsolicited lessons on dignity, faith, and self-reliance.
Thanks for loving me unconditionally and believing in me.
Thanks for waiting for me on my "late work nights". If everyone else was sleep, I knew you'd be there, sitting in the door, waiting for me to pull my car to the curb.

There are so many things, but I'm pretty sure he knows what he meant to me. May you rest in peace.

(JCM 1915-2006)

Am I A Slave to My Hair???

YES. I AM.

I love hair... talking about hair... doing hair... washing hair... It's my favorite idle hobby. No, I can't change the world by washing my hair, but it makes me happy. :)

I am thinking about having a real focus with my blog. Maybe a health/losing weight/pampering myself blog. Not sure.
Stay tunned. (That's for you Stephen since you are the ONLY person who reads my blog).

Another Epiphany While Watching TCM

I'll admit it. I spend my Saturday nights washing my hair and watching old movies. Anyway, I recorded Bright Eyes and watched it. I don't know, maybe I'm tainted, but the movie was REALLY WEIRD!!! I guess I'm a product of my time, but there was something creepy about watching a six year old girl partying with a room full of grown men.

Am I wrong for feeling this way????