Me, You, and Everyone I Know. . .

A Former Daddy's Girl

2010-09-30T07:44:00.000-07:00

I do the same thing every Father’s Day. I wake up. I thank God for my grandfather. I reflect and think about the many times my grandfather was there for me when my own father abandoned me physically, emotionally, and financially. I make no phone calls to wish my father a Happy Father’s Day. I turn on my music and I mourn for the ten year old Nicole. I think about what her life would have been like had he made better choices. I cry a little and think about the day she stopped being a Daddy’s Girl.

I cannot pretend that I have no good memories. I can’t say that my father was never there because he was there-in the beginning. I have memories of being carried on his shoulders and feeling like I could do no wrong in his eyes. I was that girl--the one who had her father wrapped around her fingers. I spent the first ten years of my life as a Daddy’s Girl. There’s nothing sadder than being a former Daddy’s Girl. They say you don’t miss what you’ve never had, but what do you do when you’ve had it and then had it stripped away? How do you process the wonderful memories of being loved with those of abandonment?

At the beginning of every semester I ask my students to write a narrative--a story about an event that has caused them to change their view of themselves or the world around them. I usually tell them about how I learned the value of an education in my grandmother’s beauty shop. While the story is a true one, it is not the real story. The real story is that my life was forever changed the day I stopped being a Daddy’s Girl.

Growing up the child of a single parent teacher you learn many things--namely, that summers are not the same for you. While other kids dream of summer days playing in the sun, going swimming, and not having school, you learn that summer means hard times. At ten I understood that when Mommy didn’t put money in escrow, we would have nothing. We’d spend our summer depending on the kindness of my grandparents who lived downstairs. Summer meant no birthday parties or presents. In the summer you got IOUs for everything, including Back-to-School clothes and supplies.

I was blessed because my grandmother was always willing to lend out the Stix or Famous Barr charge card, but this year I didn’t want to ask her. My parents had been living separately, but I would see him often and I decided to ask my father if he would take us school clothes shopping. To my surprise he said yes. He said he’d pick me up Saturday morning. I got dressed and stood by the door. My mom knew the truth, but didn’t say anything.

Saturday morning turned into Saturday afternoon. I got a chair and sat by the door. I peeked out every few minutes knowing that my father would come walking up the stairs to pick me up. He knew it was important. School was important and I needed school supplies and clothes. The afternoon turned to evening and my mother tried to get me to give up the idea.

“Nicole, he’s not coming,” she said.

I didn’t believe her because he told me he would be there. He hadn’t called to say he wasn’t coming. Saturday evening turned to dark and I still waited. I wasn’t thinking that the stores had long closed. I decided to get my pillow and blanket and sleep by the door because if my father said he would do something, surely he would.

I don’t remember what happened the next day. I am sure I got a call, one of many explaining or trying to explain why he hadn’t come through when he promised he would. I didn’t know it then, but this would be the first of many disappointments. I would have years of countless disappointments and hurt: Failure to show up, failure to pay child support. Many years of tracking him down and getting his checks garnished, only to learn that he quit a job so he wouldn’t have to pay. He’d call sporadically even asking me to talk to my mother and ask her to stop having his checks garnished. He’d explain to me that he had a wife and a new daughter that he had to support.

Slowly the veil would be lifted, and the man I loved so much as a little girl became a stranger to me. I didn’t know him and I no longer had expectations because they would be dashed. I had to stop allowing myself to get hurt. I no longer allowed myself to believe in him.

While he is still here physically, he is forever lost to me--- I lost him that day. My world was forever changed that day--the day I discovered that people who are supposed to protect you and love you can hurt you deeply. I lost a little of myself the day I stopped being a Daddy’s Girl.

Imagine Me-- Revisited

2010-07-14T15:42:00.000-07:00

Imagine me, loving what I see when the mirror looks at me, cause I imagine me in a place with no insecurities and I’m finally happy because I imagine me. Letting go of all of the ones who hurt me cause they never did deserve me. . . Kirk Franklin, "Imagine Me"

June 2008 was spent crying in a corner cubicle in the Forest Park Library. My routine was the same: Get up, pack my Barbri books, limp to the campus library, put on my music, and sob uncontrollably. I sang. I cried. I felt sorry for myself. I hit replay. I repeated the words over and over again. I repeated, but didn’t believe. I sang the words, tears streaming, hoping the words would seep deep in to my broken spirit. Gone. Gone. All gone. I didn’t believe the physical and emotional pain, the feelings of low self esteem, transferred disappoints and hurts, would ever leave. My wounds were raw, open, and healing seemed so far away. The July bar exam was a month away and I was dealing with a terrible breakup, wisdom tooth pain, and unbeknown to me, a broken foot. The summer of 2008 taught me valuable lessons about life.

I learned:

That love is not enough. Sometimes people fall out of love and there is no use in hashing and rehashing what you did, what you said, how you could have been better. Love seems to always end at the most inopportune times. Inopportune, because when you’re the one getting dumped, the time is never right. People can be mean and selfish. A breakup is a selfish act. There’s nothing wrong, but the person is taking care of themselves. They want to be free, and you must let go. You have to be selfish in taking care of yourself by not trying to find the answer if there is no clear one.

I learned:

That in a world of doubt, my mother has, and will continue to be my constant supporter. When I went to her and told her I wanted to sit out the exam for a second time, she said four simple words, “You can do it.” My mother believed in me when I didn’t. In a summer full of people questioning whether or not I was meant to be a lawyer, if I had what it took to pass the bar exam, or even, after having dealt with an ugly breakup, if I was mentally ready to tackle such a huge task. I have since appreciated my mother more. I no longer take her for granted, and I am forever indebted to her for her faith in me when I had none.

I learned:

With help from others that when you continue to do the same things over and over again, and you don’t like the results, do something different. You can’t change your life instantly, but you can slowly make small changes that, in time, change the course of your life. I began with my approach to the exam. I didn’t make outlines and I didn’t spend three months studying. I made up a 30 day study plan. I began each session by writing. "I will pass the exam!" on a sheet of paper. I then taped the paper on the cubicle. Every time I looked up, I saw the phrase. I had to teach myself to believe in me. I memorized the Conviser verbatim in the morning, and took practice MBEs and essays in the evenings at the library. I didn’t study at home. When I was done on campus, I left the bar behind. I would tell anyone that the bar is less about what you know, and more about how you take the test. Everyone’s approach is different and you have to figure out what works best for you.

I learned:

To really trust in God. As a child I was raised in a Christian home, and the idea was simple in theory, but that summer really forced me to look deep into my soul for faith and trust in God. It’s easy to have faith in God when things are going exactly as you want them. It is during the challenges—during life’s darkest and most difficult moments that you must hold on. I was a child in the dark--holding and grasping on to anything: scriptures, sermons, healing songs over and over again until the thoughts penetrated my soul. I imagined me whole in who I was-- license or not. I imagined me happy with who God made me, experiences and all, and most importantly I imagined me loving myself completely, flaws and all.

The Concrete Jungle, Dreams, and a New State of Mind

2010-06-04T18:36:00.001-07:00

"My biggest influences are strong creative women that charter their own path, lead their own lives, and charter the course of history.” Rachel Roy

It’s past three o’clock in the morning. My sister and friend are both passed out, and I am sitting in my hotel room marveling at the day I had. So, I got to meet my favorite actress (Kate Walsh) and I FINALLY made it to NYC.

“They’re waiting outside because she’s famous. . .” I heard a lady say as I waited –camera in hand--outside The Atlantic Theater Company. Had I traveled to New York City to meet someone famous? Did I drag my friend and sister to a play that they had no interest in because I simply wanted to meet a celebrity? I spent eight summers throughout high school and college working in theater. Many of my favorite childhood actors and actresses did summer stock at the theater, and I never clamored for an autograph or a picture because that was never and has never been me. Why had I come to New York? Quite simply, something had changed, and ironically I owe a little of it to Twitter. The past months I’ve been reading about people living their lives, pursuing their dreams, and it hit me like a ton of bricks---Live life, don’t be afraid, and if there’s something you want--- go after it.

A self-professed scaredy-cat of just about everything (planes, dogs, cats, highways), I have always envied people who take risks, go after their dreams, and stay true to their convictions even when it’s difficult. Today and the past few months have been all about doing something new, taking risks, and doing what I want do. So much of my life has been about playing it safe, doing the rational thing, and not stepping outside of the box. To make a long story short, my admiration for Shonda Rhimes, her character Addison Montgomery, and inevitably my admiration for Kate Walsh, the actress, had brought me to this incredible night. So, slowly, but surely I’ve been making a conscious effort to go after the things I want in life. I no longer want to be on the sidelines watching people “do”.

Kate Walsh is an amazing actress--plain and simple, but I--and thousands of other people --okay, call us what we are, fans or Walshies-- have discovered she's an amazing person (or rather, her persona appears to be that unique blend of confidence, intellect, down to earthness, and more importantly for me, fearless in her pursuit of her dreams). I loved her on Grey’s and her work Private Practice this season has blown me away. Her ability to convey emotions with just a simple glance is amazing. She’s an artist with a natural ability. In actuality—she was the reason I even joined Twitter. Her tweets had confirmed what I already knew. She’s amazingly talented, smart, funny, and humble. Not everyone rocks killer outfits and shoes, possesses a quick wit, uses words like pontificate and behemoth effortlessly, and tweets about toe fungus. Kate Walsh does—and that makes her a rarity among stars. Earlier this year I said that it would be great if I ever got a chance to see her on stage, but knew that with her grueling schedule of taping a tv show, the opportunity to see her would be in the distant future. When I heard she’d be on stage, I decided that I had to go. It was a chance of a lifetime and I was not going to miss it.

As I approached the theater, I thought I’d be more nervous, but I was not. It was a pretty building— the doors are painted bright red and white. It looked like an old warehouse. I learned later that the theater is in the middle of a meat packing district. Oddly, I don't know what I expected. The red and white building, with open windows, and horizontal white blinds gives outsiders a small glimpse of the inside. Kate Walsh was in the building, I thought to myself, and I was a mere hour away from seeing her in person. I knew I was about to experience something amazing.

We arrived early to pick up our tickets and to take pictures outside. We picked up our tickets and decided to walk around the neighborhood until the theater opened. As we walked, my sister and friend began to smell the infamous New York City air—a mixture of sewage and late evening musk . As they gagged, I walked, all smiles, around the city. I hadn't noticed the smell, because my mind was filled with thoughts about the play, Kate, and the ultimate question of whether or not I’d be able to see her in person.

My hopes of trying to get a picture were crushed by an earlier tweet from Kate: On the taxi ride to the theater I saw that she apologized to fans for not getting the chance to meet her. I wondered if that meant she wouldn’t be meeting people that night. I quickly texted my fellow KW supporters for their advice. I was disappointed and began to prepare myself mentally that I may not have the opportunity to see her after the play.

When we walked back, we were the first at the theater. As we waited, I took pictures of the marquee to calm my nerves. We were a good thirty minutes before the show. I wanted to go in, get my seat, and just take it all in. Was I really in the same building as my favorite actress? As I walked up the steps my mind went all ‘crazy fan thoughts’ (I am walking up the same steps Kate Walsh uses, I am in the same building as Kate Walsh, in thirty minutes I am going to see Kate Walsh in person).

I glanced at the various black and white pictures on the wall. Some I recognized (the girl from Glee, and William H. Macy –the Atlantic’s co-founder), most I did not, but my mind was squarely on Kate Walsh. Upon entering the surprisingly small theater, we were told to turn off our cell phones. How I wanted to tweet or FB “I am in fucking the theater!!!” but alas I turned off my phone. The lights went dim and I went in half-expecting Addison Montgomery, but two minutes into the play , I was watching Molly. Yes, it was Kate Wash: tall, pretty, Addison voice, and her infamous red hair, but the character was vastly different from Addison Montgomery.

Without giving away the plot—Kate was everything and more. Molly is less stylish and less confident than Addison Montgomery, and Kate’s work in conveying her flaws is superb. Even my sister and friend—who didn’t like the play as much as I did, praised her acting. After the play my friend was tired. She, herself a KW fan was worn out and had forgone the idea of getting a picture. I thought about my friends at IAOPP (International Addicts of Private Practice) and the many people who didn’t have the opportunity to see the play, and stayed. I—and others waited for the chance opportunity of seeing Kate in person. My friend had given me her playbook and I was on a mission to get an autograph for me and my friend, but I couldn’t find a pen.

I HAD flown hundreds of miles and drove up three states to get an autograph and I DIDN’T HAVE A FREAKIN PEN. I panicked. I had changed into my new Fendi bag in an effort to look ultra chic, yet I did not think to add a pen. My friend finally found an ink pen, but everyone else had MARKERS to write on the glossy playbill. I decided it didn’t matter, somehow I’d get an autograph. I immediately spotted her as she walked down the stars and outside. I half expected a huge smile and the signature red hair down, but her hair was pulled back and she looked very serious and tired. I hear people say this all the time, but Kate Walsh was absolutely stunning in person. Her skin was flawless and she didn't look a day over 25. I expected her to be pretty, but even with her hair pulled back and minimal make up--she was gorgeous.

Kate walked straight out the door, then produced her "Addison" smirk as if to say, “Here I am." Two girls to the left of me immediately flashed a camera in her face and asked for a picture. While she declined because she said she was sweaty, she graciously stated she would sign autographs. Again, I am not aggressive in those type of situations, and I didn’t know how to give her my book. My sister, like a parent watching their child in a sporting event, stood on the sidelines encouraging me. When everyone around me was getting autographs, I started to lose faith. I glanced at my sister, eyes big, and feeling a little defeated. She shouted "Nicole!!" and gave me the “Girl you didn’t drag me hundreds of miles to New York City--GET YOUR AUTOGRAPH" look and pointed to Kate. I handed Kate two playbills-but could not make eye contact. She was busy signing autographs, and I—who has always been described by anyone who knows me as a talker---could only utter three words: "You were amazing." I thought I whispered it, but she heard me and said a very gracious "Thaaank you." I wanted to say more--to share what a true inspiration she has been to me, but couldn't. So, I “met” Kate Walsh, and I use the term broadly.

All and all it was an amazing night. Sometimes people describe events like this as being surreal. It was not. I was in the moment, feeling the excitement, joy, and happiness. I began the evening wanting to see and meet Kate Walsh, but amazingly I had met the new "me" in the concrete jungle of NYC. I was a do-er, I was Ellen Nicole: Dream seeker, confident, and possessing a new state of mind.

Pretty Packages

2010-04-22T14:22:00.001-07:00

Bullshit came wrapped in tall, dark,handsome educated,with a Barry White voice. Sadly, in the end bullshit is still bullshit in a pretty package. . .

Helping Grandpa

2010-04-15T05:58:00.001-07:00

The smell of urine, thinly masked by ammonia and bleach, assaulted me every time I entered the building. I hated going, but I had to. I didn’t want to see him, or rather the shell he had become. I had done it before in 1995 when I would lose the person closest to me. Before, I had time to prepare. An infection, a bruised leg, gangrene, lost of a limb, and a slow decline into senility had taken ten years, and by the end I was prepared. I had time and months away at college to cushion the blow of my grandmother’s death. This time was different. 2006 began with me celebrating my hero and constant supporter‘s 90th birthday with hope and triumph. It would end with me helping him through his toughest battle and ultimate loss—an inoperable brain tumor. The man whom I depended on for strength and support throughout most of my life would need me to be his pillar that year. At a time when I didn’t think it was possible, I had given my grandfather what he had given me throughout my life: love, support, and courage.

Most of my life was spent living next door to my grandparents. My parents, my twin sister, and I occupied the top of a two family flat, with my grandmother and grandfather living downstairs. Being a twin makes one crave for undivided attention, and I found my solace at my grandparent’s house. Nana was the only one who truly understood me. Whenever I’d get in trouble, I’d run down stairs into my protector’s arms. “Irene, don’t get her this time. I’ll talk to her,” was my grandmother’s constant plea to my mother. Nana was my savior and Grandpa was her quiet, often scary, other half. When my father abruptly left when I was 12, my grandfather silently took over the role.

It wasn’t until after my grandmother’s death that I’d gotten to know Joseph McNeely. While I had heard stories of the pervasive racism he faced in Arkansas, the loss of his mother at 14, the profound effect the depression had on his psyche, and his subsequent closeness to his own grandmother (the daughter of a slave owner and a slave), it wasn’t until after my grandmother’s death that he began to tell me the stories. Franklin Roosevelt, geometry, Duke Ellington, and his trips to Egypt and India were among his favorite conversation pieces. Despite his only having a tenth grade education, he bragged about having put all three of his children through college. Honor, the importance of an education, and the value of a dollar were some of the many lessons I learned under the tutelage of my grandfather.

At 6ft5 my grandfather always stood tall. A carpenter by trade, there was nothing he could no t fix. A broken window, a leaky drain, or a squeaky door, he was always the go to man. Strikingly handsome, yet peculiarly unaware of his looks, he had admirers even in his eighties. Grandpa, who exercised regularly and not only ate an apple a day, but an apple and an orange, would live to be a 100 I naively told myself. His father, who lived to be 96, died of lung cancer. Grandpa didn’t smoke, so that clearly meant he’d live long enough to have Willard Scott post his picture one early morning. He had lived by himself 90 years with only one previous stay in the hospital at 88. That all changed Easter Sunday 2006.

At dinner, Grandpa couldn’t feel his arm. He was having a hard time using his fork. I hadn’t thought about the brain tumor he had two years prior. His numb arm was followed by numb legs. Within two months he was unable to walk and had lost full function of his right side. In June we learned that the tumor was back, and this time it had grown faster and bigger than before. My grandfather was dying.

The rapid decline of my grandfather produced many challenges--the biggest-- pretending to be strong. His brain tumor changed his personality dramatically. The once stoic, emotionless man was now prone to emotional outburst and crying. While it frightened me to see his vulnerability, I never let him see my fear. A reassuring smile, a gentle rub on the back, a light kiss on the cheek-life’s simple gestures, became the foundation of support that helped him in the twilight of his life. My grandfather lost his battle on October 21, 2006.

Doing One Thing Different

2009-06-14T10:32:00.000-07:00

So, I've been challenged. In fact, I had what felt like an intervention on Friday night. I had a great time. What I thought was going to be a simple evening out with a long lost sorority sister ended up being the cap of an epiphany filled week of revelations, gratitute, and appreciation. Basically: I'm a hermit and I need to get out more. Not only am I a hermit, but I'm working with some phobias that need to be addressed. So, in keeping with a promise to myself made long ago (when I was studying for the dreaded bar exam), I am doing exactly what I planned to do this summer: GETING OUT AND ENJOYING LIFE.

MISSION #1: Attend a cultural event by myself. :) I'm not stating what event or where until afterwards, but I will most definitely post the experience.

Slowly, Surely

2008-02-29T07:39:00.000-08:00

I was sifting through the net (surprise surprise), and Jill Scott's Slowly Surely was playing. I feel so totally removed from this song. There were many days that I could totally relate to this song. So much for my resolve to not talk about music, but I love music... Anyway, I find myself singing a slightly different version of the song. :)

Happiness

2008-02-17T01:40:00.000-08:00

Happiness
noun
1. state of well-being characterized by emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy [ant: unhappiness]
2. emotions experienced when in a state of well-being [ant: sadness]

Is it possible to be any happier? I'm almost afraid to read my past posts. I may, in time. It's really amazing how one simple change/choice can affect every single aspect of ones life.

RIP Deborah Kerr

2007-10-21T17:37:00.001-07:00

I am so saddened by the news of Ms. Kerr’s death. Anyone who knows me knows that I have had a huge fascination with classic movies since I was a kid. I can remember watching movie after movie and being amazed at the storylines. I could spend countless Friday and Saturday nights watching movies. For me, Ms. Kerr’s movies always struck a chord. Being a black kid with a penchant for vintage film did not make me the most popular girl in school. While other middle school girls were talking about the latest fruit flavored lip-gloss, I was fascinated with Old Hollywood. It was a secret I kept to myself---save for my brother and sister who often looked at me with sheer confusion and disdain—how can a sister of theirs be so utterly delighted and wrapped up in old film—films, with no black people in them. I remember watching Tea and Sympathy one night. I knew Deborah Kerr b/c I had seen the King and I a million times before. It was Tea and Sympathy that had me forever hooked. It was a story I could relate to…. a young man being teased for not fitting in. He was “different” and his classmates reminded him every chance they could. It was his teacher who reached out to him. She showed him he was special and that his “uniqueness” was normal. I too wanted someone to say that to me. I guess I imagined her to be like her characters. She always seemed to play the sweet and mostly innocent caring leading lady, and she was able to give a little more in each film. My favorites: Tea and Sympathy, From Here to Eternity, The King and I, Young Bess, An Affair to Remember, Black Narcissist, and Night of the Iguana—a delightful treat for me (Tennessee Williams and Deborah Kerr). Deborah Kerr movies were just a part of my 1980s childhood as Michael Jackson.

Whenever I discovered a new movie, I was curious to see if the actors were still living. I feel like an entire era is gone.

Non, Je Ne Regrette Rein

2007-06-18T13:40:00.000-07:00

It's an Edith Piaff day. I haven't listened to her since one of my friends turned me on to her a few years back. Thanks to rhapsody, any and all music is but a mouse click away. Can I say, I LOVE HER!!!! Almost as much as I love Babs and Judy.

I am so feeling this song today. Translation or no translation. This sums up last night's conversation, or rather my resolve. There comes a point and time when one must take ones health into consideration. I never really understood when people say they have to get rid of people in their lives b/c they were literally making them sick. You can love someone and not want to have anything to do with them. I now know what that's like. I can love someone from a distance without needing them in my life. It's self preservation.

I am so completely and utterly DONE. I couldn't say it better myself. :) But, as the song says:

Non!Rien de rien...Non!Je ne regrette rienNi le bienQu’on m’a fait,Ni le mal,Tout ça m’est bien égal!Non!Rien de rien...Non!C’est payé,Balayé,Oublié,Je me fous du passé!Avec me souvenirsJ’ai allumé le feu,Mes chagrins, mes plaisirs,Je n’ai plus besoin d’eux!Balayé les amours,Avec leurs trémolos,Balayés pour toujoursJe repars à zéro...Non!Rien de rien...Non!Je ne regrette rienNi le bienQu’on m’a fait,Ni le mal,Tout ça m’est bien égal!Non!Rien de rien...Non!

Life's a Rollercoaster

2007-05-22T14:51:00.001-07:00

TOO BUSY TO BLOG
TONS OF STUFF TO DO

MY LAPTOP DIED. R.IP LAPTOP

:(

WILL WRITE WHEN I HAVE TIME.

I Try

2007-05-03T11:40:00.000-07:00

Okay.... I'm going to be honest. Today's song is Macy Grey's... I Try.

Went to lunch with Mr. O today.... it was very interesting to say the least. I have absolutely no excuse--no reason as to why. I just did it. I have no logical answer or reasoning. It just is what it is.

On to other things. :)

WHO'S THAT GIRL??

I am most definitely heterosexual, but I was in the grocery store the other day and I saw a woman who definitely had it. She wasn't necessarily the most beautiful person I'd ever seen, but she just had it. I couldn't help but stare b/c this woman was so put together. Think Toni Childs. I couldn't help but glance up and down... her thin, silver heeled boot hid perfectly under her tailored pantsuit. Her Gucci bag was tucked ever so subtly under her arm as she reached to pay for her groceries. Her hair, subtle light-brown highlights, was feathered and layered around her face. Then it hit me. I could be THAT GIRL. :)

So that's the summer goal. (BIG SUPER CHEESE SMILE)

Can You Believe???

2007-05-03T11:02:00.000-07:00

I've been listening to Robin Thicke's CD on and off for two months now and the words to this song just hit me. I got a little teary eyed today---okay, I cried. Not the quiet cry, but the for real mascara streak cry. I couldn't stop the tears. I had been on the verge for a while just thinking about my grandparents. I miss Nana and Grandpa. Every time I drive past Sarah and St. Louis Avenue, I think about them. Nana's shop was on the the corner, and I can't help but think back to the days when life was so easy. Summertime with my cousins on St. Louis Avenue were the best. Everyday was an adventure and the biggest delima was decididng what event we'd have that day.... swimming, dance contests, or one of our self-produced plays.

I miss those days. . .

Going Home

2007-04-15T21:11:00.000-07:00

Went to my childhood church today. There's something about going back to the familiar. I always feel so at home there.... I had to catch myself because I got a little teary thinking about my grandparents. The message was definitely right one time---and for once, I could actually comprehend what the pastor was saying today. I definitely needed to hear it....

Proverbs 3 (5-6)

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him and he shall direct thy paths. . .

Considering the tumultuous week I've had... the message really resonated with me. I did not get an interview for a full time teaching position at my college. Initially I was upset, but now I'm learning to let God lead me where he wants me to go. I am not going to let it consume me.

On to brighter things. I met a very interesting person today. I haven't had that kind of conversation in a long time. Refreshing. That's the word. It was so refreshing to meet someone who can converse about a variety of subjects. Definitely a breath of fresh air....

Flaws and All. . .

2007-04-02T09:06:00.000-07:00

I'll admit it. I'm a Beyonce fan.

I'm a train wreck in the morning
I'm a bitch in the afternoon
Every now and then without warning
I can be really mean towards you
I'm a puzzle yes indeed
Ever-complex in every waaay
And all the pieces aren't even in the box
And yet, you see the picture clear as day

I don't know why you love me
And that's why I love you
You catch me when I fall
Accept me flaws and all
And that's why I love you
And that's why I looove you
And that's why I looooooove (hmm)

I neglect you when I'm working
When I need a attention I tend to nag
I'm a host of imperfection
And you see past all that
I'm a peasant by some standards
But in your eyes I'm a queen

You see potential in all my flaws
And that's exactly what I need

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x1l4l7_flaws-and-all-beyonce

If I Ruled the World. . .

2007-04-02T07:44:00.000-07:00

Listening to Nas today. No idea why. Felt like some rap. . . and I used to play this song all the time. I miss Lauryn. May play the Miseducation of Lauryn Hill today. Seems like that kind of day. I dropped my cell phone in water so I am--again--officially cell-phone less. Geez, that's a record even for me. Two destroyed cell phones in less than a month. R-I-D-I-C-U-L-O-U-S!!!

Hmmm, If I Ruled the World. . . .

(Gonna have to get philosophical, and I am not in a philosophical mood today).

A Change Gone Come. . .

2007-03-28T15:40:00.000-07:00

I don't know what this feeling is. . . anxiety. About what??? Many things, but I don't want to let it consume me. I want to just relax, I want to chill, I want to be at peace. Lately, I've been so wrapped up in others that almost forgot who I was.

WHO AM I??

I am a Cancer. :)
I am a Delta, and my favorite colors are pink and green.
I still call my mother Mommy
My idea of the perfect date is a trip to the museum.
I consider hair a hobby.
I love history and art.
My favorite author is Zora Neale Hurston and my favorite book is Their Eyes Were Watching God.
I love Barbara Streisand.
Sam Cook is my muse. I create best when I'm listening to Sam Cook.
I'm a feminist and I subscribe to the school of any and all things bell hooks.
I am a writer.
I am a twin.
I am a Mirrener (I have been a card carrying member of The Helen Mirren Appreciation Society since July 2004).
As a kid I was almost hit by a bi-state bus once and by a car twice.
I hate math and science, but went to a math and science grade school.
I used to speak French.
As a kid I read Anna Karenina and Gone with the Wind during recess.
I read lips.
In 6th grade I was not popular.
In 8th grade the popular girls gave me a make over and I became popular.
I am fascinated by accents.
My dad has an accent.
My ex had an accent.
My ex before that had an accent.
I am giving up my accent fascination....

Secret Subscriber....

2007-03-26T07:44:00.000-07:00

I've been a follower for a while now. . . When my brother and sister in law approached me with this idea last December, I was skeptical to say the least. I really didn't like the materialistic way in which the message was presented. . . Where was God in this new found secret??? Shouldn't one have faith that God can do all and anything.

I've taken a step back and actually thought about it---it truly makes sense and life has been so much better. Anyway, in an attempt to detoxify mind/body/spirit, I've evoked on the Master Cleanse. I really want to get rid of the heaviness I've been feeling these past few months. . . . Spring is here and I really want to make this a positive year. :)

I'm So Excited!!!!

2007-03-25T19:08:00.000-07:00

Someone besides Stephen reads my blogs!!! :)

Okay, I don't know what to say...... I am never going to say never and "broke up" ever again. LOL It is what it is and I will have to go back to my White Flag analogy. Love that song.

I'm so excited!!!!!! I have an IDEA. :) Not ready to disclose right now, but it is BIG!!!!! :) I can't remember being this excited about anything in a while. Seriously.

WHY TEACHERS GO MIA. . .

2006-12-14T10:45:00.000-08:00

I now understand why teachers go MIA during finals week. JEEZ LOUISE!!! IF ONE MORE PERSON EMAILS ME OR CALLS ME OR JUST DROPS BY TO SEE HOW THEY'RE DOING I'M GOING TO SCREAM!!!!!

That's why I like being an adjunct and having another job-- I can always be away during finals week, but as it is, I now have an office on campus so I'm here everyday. I guess I was the same way. I never thought to think that the teacher probably has 80+ other students besides myself.

Deep sigh. I have an event this afternoon and I am soooooooooooooo not looking forward to it.
Maybe it's the end of the year/ pre-holiday jitters.

Ain't That the Truth!!

2006-12-08T11:56:00.000-08:00

Thought this was funny...

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Where in the World is Natalie Merchant???

2006-11-20T15:04:00.000-08:00

I didn't realize how much I was into music until I started my blog. Anyway, I'm listening to Natalie Merchant's "Kind and Generous". I could listen to her music forever. Are there any other black Natalie Merchant fans??? I'm going to close my office door and sing to the heavens. :)

I feel like I should be sharing some smart philosophical observations about life and society. Maybe I will one day, however, today I will indulge in the trivial things in life.

My favorite alternative music artists/bands

Annie Lennox
Natalie Merchant (10,000 Maniacs)
Alanis Morissette
Dido
Cold Play
Maroon 5
Duran Duran (does that count?)

Which Desperate Housewive Are You?

2006-11-20T11:11:00.000-08:00

My quiz says I'm Bree... controlling. I think it's right on the money. http://abc.go.com/primetime/desperate/quiz/index.html

Sunday Sushi

2006-11-20T05:33:00.000-08:00

I went out with my line sisters last night. Of the eleven of us, nobody would think to pick Patrice, Beth, and I to be the ones who still keep in touch. I had a good time--- felt sorry for the waitress. Going out to dinner with my sorors is always interesting. :)

An Article About Tanya

2006-11-15T06:47:00.000-08:00

This article pretty much sums up the Tanya I knew in college.

Clayton County Police Officer Tanya Crowder: Nov. 1973 - Nov. 2006

Police pay final respects to one of their own, celebrate life

By Daniel Silliman

He thought she couldn’t be serious about being a cop. When Tanya L. Crowder walked into the Clayton County Police Department to be interviewed by her hiring board in 2004, Acting Chief Jeff Turner was there and didn’t believe it.

Crowder, then 30, was a beautiful woman with a big smile, he said, the mother of a small son. She had every hair in place.

She didn’t look like a police officer.

“She made it clear to us that she was gong to be a police officer and she was going to be the best,” Turner said. “By the end of the meeting she had us eating out of her hand.”

Crowder, a Kansas native, joined the police force on Dec. 20, 2004. Those who worked with her remembered her smile, more than anything, and they remembered the way she never complained.

“I don’t believe I ever met anyone who nothing bothered until I met Tanya,” Turner said.

Shortly after she joined the Clayton Police, on her way to becoming a great cop, Crowder was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer. She went through six cycles of chemotherapy that failed to shrink the tumor in her right leg. After the chemotherapy failed to stop the cancer, her leg was amputated.

Through all that, her co-workers said, she never complained and she returned back to work in the watch office on crutches.

“She said, ‘See, I told you I’d be back,’” said Maj. Tim Robinson. “She simply came to work and did her job.”

Seven months after the surgery, the cancer returned, this time to 32-year-old Crowder’s scalp and lungs.

Crowder’s supervisor, Sgt. S. Holmes, said Crowder never missed a day as a police officer if she didn’t have to.

“I can always remember her smiling. Even though she was in pain she would always show up for work,” Holmes said. “She was a trooper. She was a fighter.”

Crowder died Thursday night.

Friends, family and co-workers gathered at Divine Faith Ministries International Friday to pay their last respects, to remember her smile, to celebrate her life and to say a prayer before sending Crowder’s body to its final resting place in Kansas.

“She was certainly loved by her police department family,” said Robinson. “I had the pleasure of being greeted by her beautiful beaming smile every morning.”

The gathered friends and co-workers who spoke at the funeral Friday returned again and again to Crowder’s smile.

“Here truly lies a child of God,” Turner said.

These Three Words...

2006-11-09T08:08:00.000-08:00

My friend passed away yesterday morning. RIP Tanya C. You will forever be a part of my college memories.

Really puts life into perspective-- tomorrow isn't promised. I try to make sure people know I care about them. I am sentimental, but I never want them to question my feelings for them. I make it a point to tell them that I love them--every chance I get.

These Three Words

When was the last time
That they heard you say
Mother or father, I love you
And when was the last time
That they heard you say
Daughter or son, I love you

Ones you say you cherish everyday
Can instantly be taken away
Then you'd say I know this can't be true
When you never took the time
To simply tell them "I love you"

When was the last time
That they heard you say
Sister or brother, I love you
And when was the last time
That they heard you say
Darling or best friend, I love you

The one for whom you'd give your very life
Could be taken in the twinkling of an eye
Through you tears you'd ask why did you go
Knowing you didn't always show
Just how much you loved them so

PMS and the Unsuspecting Student Worker. . .

2006-11-08T09:40:00.000-08:00

The student worker in my office has no idea that he’s one stupid question shy of getting his head bit off… Why did he ask me a question, then hand me his pen to fill out HIS paper work. I looked at him, then his pen, and continued what I was doing.

Do they not see me glaring at them from the brim of my glasses? Can’t they tell today is NOT the day for idle chit chat .

Lord, please help me and the students get through the day. . .

Politics Anyone???

2006-11-08T05:16:00.000-08:00

I tried to hang on for the election results, but by 11 o'clock I was knocked out. I went to bed last night angry with the voters in my state, only to be awakened by the news that my candidate actually won. Every election for the last six years has been a true disappointment to me and I couldn't take another election let down.

It's going to get very interesting. I'll admit it, I'm glad the Dems have the House, and I'd be elated to see them take over the Senate. What I can't understand is America taking six years to realize that you CAN'T have a Republican President, and a Republican controlled House and Senate--- that's just asking for trouble. I’m wondering why it took folks six years to realize. What's even more puzzling to me is the fact that-- like 2000, 2002, and 2004 the margin is still so slim. You'd think after all the things we've learned the last six years that there would be some great uproar--- but alas... the same people are voting the same way.

I'm Sad. . .

2006-11-06T04:54:00.000-08:00

I honestly don't think I can take anymore bad news. 2006 will definitely be a year that I will never forget. I lost my grandfather earlier this month, a good friend of mine lost her mother last week, and Friday I found out that a college friend of ours (me and my sister) would not make it past the weekend.

I am in total shock on so many levels. I met Tonya and Erica our freshman year. I remember them as the TLC girls b/c they were always dressed like TLC. Anyway I introduced them to my sister and the five of us (Erica A., Tsnya, Ericka B, my sister and I) were always together. We went to all of the parties together. Tanya was a natural hair stylist and hooked everybody's hair up for a small fee. Anyway, she, Erica B. and my sister ended up being college roommates and really good friends. Throughout the years our lives have taken us on different paths, but they still managed to keep in touch. Tanya called us on our birthday and I remember hearing the same cheerfulness of her voice. In spite having been diagnosed with cancer, and having her leg amputated, Tanya still remembered to call. Later that month we found out the doctors found additional lumps on her head, and lungs. We always assumed she'd get better-- of the five of us, Tonya was the healthiest and most athletic. It just didn't seem real that she wouldn't get through this. Friday was her 33rd birthday. Today they are going to turn off her breathing machine.... Something is so wrong...we shouldn't have to think about this--we're still young--

White Flag. . .

2006-11-03T10:26:00.000-08:00

In light of recent events. I believe the lyrics of Dido's song are quite appropriate.

(Blushes slightly, holds head down, and hits the play button).

After reading the lyrics, I will not be sharing. LOL
Nevermind.

A Sade Moment

2006-10-30T14:36:00.000-08:00

For some unknown reason I feel like listening to Sade today. I'm listening to "Ordinary Love". Is this really wise? Half way through the song and I'm not trying to hurl myself over a cliff... so I do believe I AM OKAY. :)

I MADE IT THROUGH

2006-10-28T16:55:00.001-07:00

I didn't think I would and to be honest, I thought I'd really lose it. God works in the strangest ways. He had given me time to truly prepare. I knew he wouldn't live to be 100, but a part of me just knew he would wake up. I feel okay about it. I've said goodbye.

Anticipation....

2006-10-24T11:01:00.000-07:00

I do not want to go to my grandfather's wake. I'm going to b/c I have to. I don't want him to be alone. Realistically I know he's not here, but I have to be there. I'm anticipating the fact that this is real. There is no turning back. A chapter in my life has ended. No more Nana and Grandpa who were always a few steps or a quick sneak through the backdoor away. Growing up I hated living in a two family flat next to my grandparents. I dreamed of living in a big house in the suburbs with my parents, unattached to my grandparents.

Isn't life funny that way? The things you dread as a kid become the things you cherish as an adult. The forced piano lessons, forced trips to Soulards Market with Nana and Grandpa b/c no one else would go, the forced conversation about the importance of saving money, the many sleepless nights listening to the his thumping his piano, playing his favorite song, over and over.

Now, I'd give anything to go back--just once-- to the wampth of my grandmother's smile, the stroke of her hands across my head, the eerily comforting smell of dax grease and freshly pressed hair, the taste of her cornbread dressing or the straight from the jar of her self-prepared preserved ---peach cobler, the smell of my grandfather's freshly stuffed pipe. . . .

(Deep breath)

I don't want to go.

My Grandfather Died This Weekend....

2006-10-22T14:13:00.000-07:00

I am okay with it. I had five weeks to really let it sink in. He'd been in a coma. How many people can say that they lived to be 91. Better yet, how many people can say they lived by themselves sick-free until they were 90. Not a whole lot. He's with Nana, and they're probably smiling down on us now.

Good bye and thank you for being the best grandfather a girl could want.

Thanks for the many stories of "the way it was."
Thanks for the many unsolicited lessons on dignity, faith, and self-reliance.
Thanks for loving me unconditionally and believing in me.
Thanks for waiting for me on my "late work nights". If everyone else was sleep, I knew you'd be there, sitting in the door, waiting for me to pull my car to the curb.

There are so many things, but I'm pretty sure he knows what he meant to me. May you rest in peace.

(JCM 1915-2006)

Am I A Slave to My Hair???

2006-10-11T14:46:00.000-07:00

YES. I AM.

I love hair... talking about hair... doing hair... washing hair... It's my favorite idle hobby. No, I can't change the world by washing my hair, but it makes me happy. :)

I am thinking about having a real focus with my blog. Maybe a health/losing weight/pampering myself blog. Not sure.
Stay tunned. (That's for you Stephen since you are the ONLY person who reads my blog).

Another Epiphany While Watching TCM

2006-10-09T08:54:00.000-07:00

I'll admit it. I spend my Saturday nights washing my hair and watching old movies. Anyway, I recorded Bright Eyes and watched it. I don't know, maybe I'm tainted, but the movie was REALLY WEIRD!!! I guess I'm a product of my time, but there was something creepy about watching a six year old girl partying with a room full of grown men.

Am I wrong for feeling this way????

Which Greys Anatomy Character Am I??

2006-09-18T18:14:00.000-07:00

Okay. I don't have time to write, but I do have endless time to do these stupid online polls....

You are GEORGE!
You may be a love-sick puppy, but it's kind of cute in a girly-guy kind of way. You are a caring friend and a genuinely nice guy -- which might be why you always seem to finish last. But, your undying loyalty makes you the best sort of friend to have.

235 other people got this result!
This quiz has been taken 992 times.
22% of people had this result

Added to say: I really thought I'd be Bailey.

No Time to Write . . .

2006-09-14T12:47:00.000-07:00

I havent had anytime to write. . . Besides teaching a full load, I also work full time and on top of that, having to take care of sick relatives is a chore. I was at the hospital Tuesday visiting my grandfather. I have never been inside a hospital more than I have these past three months. My mother and my grandfather being sick has taken a toll on me and my siblings. Good health is something people truly take for granted. I MISS LAST YEAR. . .

What Type of Chocoalte Are You??

2006-09-08T11:31:00.000-07:00

I'm bored. . . so I thought I'd do a survey. This one was dead on. This is so definitely ME.
You are Milk Chocolate

A total dreamer, you spend most of your time with your head in the clouds.
You often think of the future, and you are always working toward your ideal life.
Also nostelgic, you rarely forget a meaningful moment... even those from long ago.

Dr. Christian Troy.....

2006-09-06T13:58:00.000-07:00

All that is wrong in the world is right now that Nip/Tuck is back!!! Let me just say that last night's episode reminded me why I truly love this show. Great writing, great acting, great aesthetics-- Julian McMahon is BEAUTIFUL. Not in the typical pretty boy way, but seriously, that man is gorgeous.

I really had more to say, and although I wanted to rush to my computer to write a glowing review, I went to bed-- I had a 7 o'clock class that I needed to be well-rested for. The writers did not disappoint. I am so glad "The Carver" story line is over. I really hate morbid violence and that was a little more than I could take. It looks like the writers are going back to what makes the show so great to begin with-- CHEMISTRY. The chemistry between Sean, Julia, and Christian is ridiculous.

Lost My Ipod Yesterday. . .

2006-09-01T18:59:00.000-07:00

I didn't know a person could become so attached to an electronic device. I don't know where I had it last. I remember taking it to the gym, but I don't remember anything after leaving the gym. I looked everywhere, and for the life of me I don't know where it is. I can't workout without my Ipod. It's hard enough dragging myself to the gym, but to have to workout and listen to loud techno music is the absolute worst.
So--I bought a new one today. I've been dreaming about this one since I got my Nano for Christmas. It was worth it. . .

Random Questions. . .

2006-08-31T18:33:00.000-07:00

1. What does Fergie's song, London Bridge mean?? I don't get it. I love the song and it's got that "good beat you can dance to" vibe but really---what does it mean?
Anybody else like songs they can't understand??? I'll have to find the lyrics and analyze.

2. What's with John Norris' hair?? I'm watching the VMAs and once again I'm not understanding the orange mushroom on his head.

3. Are Erika and Janelle really as stupid as they appear? (If you're a Big Brother fan then you'll understand the question)

4. Why is P. Diddy STILL making albums, better yet why is Beyonce rapping in her new song????

St. Louis More Dangerous Than Iraq??????

2006-08-31T14:24:00.000-07:00

I had a recruiting event today. . . and I just HAPPENED to be sitting next to an Army Recruiter. I immediately started thinking about a Dateline NBC report about the aggressive tactics of US Army Recruiters. To be honest, this guy was so good that by the end of the day he had ME thinking, "Maybe I should join up. . ." But in all seriousness, he was a nice guy--about thirty something and he had the most Norman Rockwell looking young solider who couldn't have been more than 19 sitting next to him. The older guy did most of the talking while the younger guy second everything he was saying. He kept going on and on about how much money a person can earn by joining the Army. They could get 20,000 cash just for signing up, that didn't include the 150,000 they're guaranteed for college, and when they're finally ready to settle down and get a house, Uncle Sam would be their automatic co-signer.

"How'd you like to work in Germany, Korea, England, Italy, or Thailand???" Not once did he mention Iraq or Afghanistan.

"What about Iraq?"
"Iraq isn’t that dangerous. Hell, if you live in some parts of St. Louis it’s more dangerous than Iraq. Look at the news?"

I watched as the young people---men and women, some educated, most not, eyes light up when he mentioned the possibility of earning so much money. I wanted to scream, "Don't believe the hype... don't get sucked in," but I didn't. I sat there listening. . . thinking about the Rockwell Soldier, J. Kennedy. Where would he be in six months? What about his wife and stepchild? Would he be going to Germany, Korea, England. . or some other not so pleasant place???

Temporary Gifts

2006-08-28T12:14:00.000-07:00

I love old movies. I could spend an entire weekend watching Turner Classic Movies. I used to watch AMC religiously as a child. My brother and sister would make fun of me b/c I'd rather watch "It Happened One Night..." than "New Jack City." To be honest, that's still a movie I have yet to see. Sue me.

I was watching "Zigfield Girl" with Jimmy Stewart, Judy Garland, Lana Turner and Heddy Lamour. It was a good drama. I don't really do the musicals (okay I do the Sound of Music, My Fair Lady, and West Side Story but that's IT!!).I thought it would be a really silly musical and there's nothing worse than a black and white musical. The movie was good, but I couldn't help looking at the young pretty Lana Turner and comparing it to the "old" Lana Turner. It reminded me of the "temporary gifts" my aunt is always shoving down the younger generation's. At our recent family reunion we had postboard pictures of our family from the early 1900- to the present. My aunt kept going on and on about beauty being a temporary gift from God. She constantly referred to Aunt's _____ beauty, or Aunt____ used to be so pretty. Look at them now. "It's a temporary gift from God," she said and pointed to the various women in the room. "Everyone used to have it, so you better enjoy it while you can."

How much time do I have left???

My Song for the Week (Imagine Me)

2006-08-28T08:19:00.000-07:00

Okay. . I'm totally feeling Kirk Franklin's "Imagine Me." Not only are the lyrics touching, but the song is just beautiful. I am going to be playing this all day today. ..

Imagine me loving what I see when the mirror looks at me cause I imagine me.
In a place of no insecurities and I'm finally happy cause
I imagine me.
Letting go of all of the ones who hurt me cause they never did deserve me, can you imagine me.
Sayng no to thoughts that try to control me, remembering all you told me, Lord can you imagine me.
Over what my momma said, hear from what my daddy did and I wanna live and not read that page again.

Imagine me, being free, trusting you totally, finally I can imagine me, I admit it was hard to see you being in love with someone like me, finally I can imagine me.

Imagine me

Being strong and not letting people break me down, you won't get that joy this time around. Can you imagine me.
In a world, in a world where nobody has to be afraid, because of your love, it's gone away, can you imagine me.
Letting go of my past and glad I have another chance and hard to dance cause I don't have to read that page again.

Imagine me, being free, trusting you totally, finally I can imagine me, I admit it was hard to see you being in love with someone like me, finally I can imagine me.
Imagine me

My Family

2006-08-25T20:02:00.000-07:00

I thought I'd post some pictures of my Nana (the lady on the left in my profile pic) and my great aunts whom I love to death. I miss my Nana and being with my aunts makes me feel so much closer to her. I can't believe it's been ten years since her death. This is one of my favorite pictures. I love any and everything old and vintage. This picture is the epitome of class and style. There's something about the way men and women "dressed up" for dinner. When I was younger I would take old pictures to class and the first thing people would notice is Duke Ellington in alot of our family pictures. I really had no idea (much to the shigrin of my grandfather) who The Duke was. I thought he was some old long lost uncle who decided not to show up for family functions. Anyway, there is definitely a story in this picture thatI need to write and I will.... one day.

I'm tired

2006-08-24T07:31:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to get that out on paper. I've said it ten times already and it isn't even 10 'clock. WHY DID I VOLUNTARILY SUBJECT MYSELF TO THIS CRAZY SCHEDULE!!!! I did it, and now I must suffer the consequences. I only hope that I will be able to keep this up through December. I'll just have to stop staying up late watching meaningless reality television. DAMN BRAVO AND PROJECT RUNWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SO I FINALLY HAVE A BLOG

2006-08-23T06:40:00.000-07:00

I honestly never thought I'd create a blog. My friend Stephen has been hounding me about creating one for years. I don't know, there's just something very strange about sharing who I am with the world. It's not that I am not internet savvy, or afraid. Heck, I've been online for over ten years. As a matter of fact, Stephen and I, someone with whom I feel is a very good friend, have only met ONCE. Our "cyber" friendship has consisted mostly of email, text messages, and telephone conversations---particularly when either one of us is going through relationship woes.

Alas, here I am blog and all!! Actually, I wouldn't be here if I hadn't been REQUIRED to do an online journal for a creative writing class that I'm taking. The goal was to take a class that would FORCE me to start writing again. Whenever I refer to myself, I always say writer--regardless of what particular "job" title I have, but it has been CRAZY actually trying to fit time in to write. I get so bogged down with work, goals, things I need to do, and things I have to do that being able to "sit" and create has become almost IMPOSSIBLE.