A Change Gone Come. . .

I don't know what this feeling is. . . anxiety. About what??? Many things, but I don't want to let it consume me. I want to just relax, I want to chill, I want to be at peace. Lately, I've been so wrapped up in others that almost forgot who I was.

WHO AM I??

I am a Cancer. :)
I am a Delta, and my favorite colors are pink and green.
I still call my mother Mommy
My idea of the perfect date is a trip to the museum.
I consider hair a hobby.
I love history and art.
My favorite author is Zora Neale Hurston and my favorite book is Their Eyes Were Watching God.
I love Barbara Streisand.
Sam Cook is my muse. I create best when I'm listening to Sam Cook.
I'm a feminist and I subscribe to the school of any and all things bell hooks.
I am a writer.
I am a twin.
I am a Mirrener (I have been a card carrying member of The Helen Mirren Appreciation Society since July 2004).
As a kid I was almost hit by a bi-state bus once and by a car twice.
I hate math and science, but went to a math and science grade school.
I used to speak French.
As a kid I read Anna Karenina and Gone with the Wind during recess.
I read lips.
In 6th grade I was not popular.
In 8th grade the popular girls gave me a make over and I became popular.
I am fascinated by accents.
My dad has an accent.
My ex had an accent.
My ex before that had an accent.
I am giving up my accent fascination....

Secret Subscriber....

I've been a follower for a while now. . . When my brother and sister in law approached me with this idea last December, I was skeptical to say the least. I really didn't like the materialistic way in which the message was presented. . . Where was God in this new found secret??? Shouldn't one have faith that God can do all and anything.

I've taken a step back and actually thought about it---it truly makes sense and life has been so much better. Anyway, in an attempt to detoxify mind/body/spirit, I've evoked on the Master Cleanse. I really want to get rid of the heaviness I've been feeling these past few months. . . . Spring is here and I really want to make this a positive year. :)

I'm So Excited!!!!

Someone besides Stephen reads my blogs!!! :)

Okay, I don't know what to say...... I am never going to say never and "broke up" ever again. LOL It is what it is and I will have to go back to my White Flag analogy. Love that song.


I'm so excited!!!!!! I have an IDEA. :) Not ready to disclose right now, but it is BIG!!!!! :) I can't remember being this excited about anything in a while. Seriously.

WHY TEACHERS GO MIA. . .

I now understand why teachers go MIA during finals week. JEEZ LOUISE!!! IF ONE MORE PERSON EMAILS ME OR CALLS ME OR JUST DROPS BY TO SEE HOW THEY'RE DOING I'M GOING TO SCREAM!!!!!

That's why I like being an adjunct and having another job-- I can always be away during finals week, but as it is, I now have an office on campus so I'm here everyday. I guess I was the same way. I never thought to think that the teacher probably has 80+ other students besides myself.

Deep sigh. I have an event this afternoon and I am soooooooooooooo not looking forward to it.
Maybe it's the end of the year/ pre-holiday jitters.

Ain't That the Truth!!

Thought this was funny...


Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Where in the World is Natalie Merchant???

I didn't realize how much I was into music until I started my blog. Anyway, I'm listening to Natalie Merchant's "Kind and Generous". I could listen to her music forever. Are there any other black Natalie Merchant fans??? I'm going to close my office door and sing to the heavens. :)

I feel like I should be sharing some smart philosophical observations about life and society. Maybe I will one day, however, today I will indulge in the trivial things in life.

My favorite alternative music artists/bands

Annie Lennox
Natalie Merchant (10,000 Maniacs)
Alanis Morissette
Dido
Cold Play
Maroon 5
Duran Duran (does that count?)

Which Desperate Housewive Are You?

My quiz says I'm Bree... controlling. I think it's right on the money. http://abc.go.com/primetime/desperate/quiz/index.html

Sunday Sushi

I went out with my line sisters last night. Of the eleven of us, nobody would think to pick Patrice, Beth, and I to be the ones who still keep in touch. I had a good time--- felt sorry for the waitress. Going out to dinner with my sorors is always interesting. :)

An Article About Tanya

This article pretty much sums up the Tanya I knew in college.

Clayton County Police Officer Tanya Crowder: Nov. 1973 - Nov. 2006

Police pay final respects to one of their own, celebrate life



By Daniel Silliman

He thought she couldn’t be serious about being a cop. When Tanya L. Crowder walked into the Clayton County Police Department to be interviewed by her hiring board in 2004, Acting Chief Jeff Turner was there and didn’t believe it.

Crowder, then 30, was a beautiful woman with a big smile, he said, the mother of a small son. She had every hair in place.

She didn’t look like a police officer.

“She made it clear to us that she was gong to be a police officer and she was going to be the best,” Turner said. “By the end of the meeting she had us eating out of her hand.”

Crowder, a Kansas native, joined the police force on Dec. 20, 2004. Those who worked with her remembered her smile, more than anything, and they remembered the way she never complained.

“I don’t believe I ever met anyone who nothing bothered until I met Tanya,” Turner said.

Shortly after she joined the Clayton Police, on her way to becoming a great cop, Crowder was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer. She went through six cycles of chemotherapy that failed to shrink the tumor in her right leg. After the chemotherapy failed to stop the cancer, her leg was amputated.

Through all that, her co-workers said, she never complained and she returned back to work in the watch office on crutches.

“She said, ‘See, I told you I’d be back,’” said Maj. Tim Robinson. “She simply came to work and did her job.”

Seven months after the surgery, the cancer returned, this time to 32-year-old Crowder’s scalp and lungs.

Crowder’s supervisor, Sgt. S. Holmes, said Crowder never missed a day as a police officer if she didn’t have to.

“I can always remember her smiling. Even though she was in pain she would always show up for work,” Holmes said. “She was a trooper. She was a fighter.”

Crowder died Thursday night.

Friends, family and co-workers gathered at Divine Faith Ministries International Friday to pay their last respects, to remember her smile, to celebrate her life and to say a prayer before sending Crowder’s body to its final resting place in Kansas.

“She was certainly loved by her police department family,” said Robinson. “I had the pleasure of being greeted by her beautiful beaming smile every morning.”

The gathered friends and co-workers who spoke at the funeral Friday returned again and again to Crowder’s smile.

“Here truly lies a child of God,” Turner said.

These Three Words...

My friend passed away yesterday morning. RIP Tanya C. You will forever be a part of my college memories.

Really puts life into perspective-- tomorrow isn't promised. I try to make sure people know I care about them. I am sentimental, but I never want them to question my feelings for them. I make it a point to tell them that I love them--every chance I get.

These Three Words

When was the last time
That they heard you say
Mother or father, I love you
And when was the last time
That they heard you say
Daughter or son, I love you

Ones you say you cherish everyday
Can instantly be taken away
Then you'd say I know this can't be true
When you never took the time
To simply tell them "I love you"

When was the last time
That they heard you say
Sister or brother, I love you
And when was the last time
That they heard you say
Darling or best friend, I love you

The one for whom you'd give your very life
Could be taken in the twinkling of an eye
Through you tears you'd ask why did you go
Knowing you didn't always show
Just how much you loved them so

PMS and the Unsuspecting Student Worker. . .

The student worker in my office has no idea that he’s one stupid question shy of getting his head bit off… Why did he ask me a question, then hand me his pen to fill out HIS paper work. I looked at him, then his pen, and continued what I was doing.

Do they not see me glaring at them from the brim of my glasses? Can’t they tell today is NOT the day for idle chit chat .

Lord, please help me and the students get through the day. . .

Politics Anyone???

I tried to hang on for the election results, but by 11 o'clock I was knocked out. I went to bed last night angry with the voters in my state, only to be awakened by the news that my candidate actually won. Every election for the last six years has been a true disappointment to me and I couldn't take another election let down.

It's going to get very interesting. I'll admit it, I'm glad the Dems have the House, and I'd be elated to see them take over the Senate. What I can't understand is America taking six years to realize that you CAN'T have a Republican President, and a Republican controlled House and Senate--- that's just asking for trouble. I’m wondering why it took folks six years to realize. What's even more puzzling to me is the fact that-- like 2000, 2002, and 2004 the margin is still so slim. You'd think after all the things we've learned the last six years that there would be some great uproar--- but alas... the same people are voting the same way.

I'm Sad. . .

I honestly don't think I can take anymore bad news. 2006 will definitely be a year that I will never forget. I lost my grandfather earlier this month, a good friend of mine lost her mother last week, and Friday I found out that a college friend of ours (me and my sister) would not make it past the weekend.

I am in total shock on so many levels. I met Tonya and Erica our freshman year. I remember them as the TLC girls b/c they were always dressed like TLC. Anyway I introduced them to my sister and the five of us (Erica A., Tsnya, Ericka B, my sister and I) were always together. We went to all of the parties together. Tanya was a natural hair stylist and hooked everybody's hair up for a small fee. Anyway, she, Erica B. and my sister ended up being college roommates and really good friends. Throughout the years our lives have taken us on different paths, but they still managed to keep in touch. Tanya called us on our birthday and I remember hearing the same cheerfulness of her voice. In spite having been diagnosed with cancer, and having her leg amputated, Tanya still remembered to call. Later that month we found out the doctors found additional lumps on her head, and lungs. We always assumed she'd get better-- of the five of us, Tonya was the healthiest and most athletic. It just didn't seem real that she wouldn't get through this. Friday was her 33rd birthday. Today they are going to turn off her breathing machine.... Something is so wrong...we shouldn't have to think about this--we're still young--

White Flag. . .

In light of recent events. I believe the lyrics of Dido's song are quite appropriate.

(Blushes slightly, holds head down, and hits the play button).

After reading the lyrics, I will not be sharing. LOL
Nevermind.

A Sade Moment

For some unknown reason I feel like listening to Sade today. I'm listening to "Ordinary Love". Is this really wise? Half way through the song and I'm not trying to hurl myself over a cliff... so I do believe I AM OKAY. :)

I MADE IT THROUGH

I didn't think I would and to be honest, I thought I'd really lose it. God works in the strangest ways. He had given me time to truly prepare. I knew he wouldn't live to be 100, but a part of me just knew he would wake up. I feel okay about it. I've said goodbye.

Anticipation....

I do not want to go to my grandfather's wake. I'm going to b/c I have to. I don't want him to be alone. Realistically I know he's not here, but I have to be there. I'm anticipating the fact that this is real. There is no turning back. A chapter in my life has ended. No more Nana and Grandpa who were always a few steps or a quick sneak through the backdoor away. Growing up I hated living in a two family flat next to my grandparents. I dreamed of living in a big house in the suburbs with my parents, unattached to my grandparents.

Isn't life funny that way? The things you dread as a kid become the things you cherish as an adult. The forced piano lessons, forced trips to Soulards Market with Nana and Grandpa b/c no one else would go, the forced conversation about the importance of saving money, the many sleepless nights listening to the his thumping his piano, playing his favorite song, over and over.

Now, I'd give anything to go back--just once-- to the wampth of my grandmother's smile, the stroke of her hands across my head, the eerily comforting smell of dax grease and freshly pressed hair, the taste of her cornbread dressing or the straight from the jar of her self-prepared preserved ---peach cobler, the smell of my grandfather's freshly stuffed pipe. . . .

(Deep breath)

I don't want to go.

My Grandfather Died This Weekend....

I am okay with it. I had five weeks to really let it sink in. He'd been in a coma. How many people can say that they lived to be 91. Better yet, how many people can say they lived by themselves sick-free until they were 90. Not a whole lot. He's with Nana, and they're probably smiling down on us now.

Good bye and thank you for being the best grandfather a girl could want.

Thanks for the many stories of "the way it was."
Thanks for the many unsolicited lessons on dignity, faith, and self-reliance.
Thanks for loving me unconditionally and believing in me.
Thanks for waiting for me on my "late work nights". If everyone else was sleep, I knew you'd be there, sitting in the door, waiting for me to pull my car to the curb.

There are so many things, but I'm pretty sure he knows what he meant to me. May you rest in peace.

(JCM 1915-2006)

Am I A Slave to My Hair???

YES. I AM.

I love hair... talking about hair... doing hair... washing hair... It's my favorite idle hobby. No, I can't change the world by washing my hair, but it makes me happy. :)

I am thinking about having a real focus with my blog. Maybe a health/losing weight/pampering myself blog. Not sure.
Stay tunned. (That's for you Stephen since you are the ONLY person who reads my blog).

Another Epiphany While Watching TCM

I'll admit it. I spend my Saturday nights washing my hair and watching old movies. Anyway, I recorded Bright Eyes and watched it. I don't know, maybe I'm tainted, but the movie was REALLY WEIRD!!! I guess I'm a product of my time, but there was something creepy about watching a six year old girl partying with a room full of grown men.

Am I wrong for feeling this way????